Toxic

You aren’t good for me

I’m not good for you

Yet, we still have chemistry

Magnetic perhaps

Explosive always

However, it’s toxic

Slowly killing us

This love is poison

Brokenhearted Insomnia

1:16 am

I can’t sleep

Thoughts of you intoxicate me

I’m drowning with what could have been and what I should have said

Things I can’t take back

Things I can’t make right

I didn’t think hearts were meant to for breaking but mine feels like it’s falling apart

1:16 am

I can’t sleep

Mama Ida

I once lived with my birth mother

She was very beautiful and kind

No matter how hard she tried,

She couldn’t take care of me

Her mental illness became too much

Where she had to sadly give me up

I don’t remember when or how I ended up in a foster home

All I know is little me wondered what I did so wrong

Now these unwanted feelings return as I become an adult

And no matter how hard I try,

Those feelings of abandonment do not die

I thought all my life if I was perfect,

No one would leave me

My psychologist says that’s not true thinking

No wonder my self-esteem and confidence through years has been sinking

All I can do is take it day by day

Mama Ida, I love you and forgive you

I know you were just trying to give me a better life

 

 

 

Voices

(Dedicated to my birth mother.  May my voice forever be louder than the demons you face daily. My love shall overcome them I promise.)

Voices soft and loud

Voices only she can hear

Voices won’t go away

Voices make her feel scared

Voices tell her they’re going to hurt her

So she runs far far away

Voices lead her to new strange people

Voices tell her not to trust those people

Voices tell her to not take those pills

But she takes them anyway even though the voices scream, “Poison!”

Voices she says are slowly starting to go away

Voices she no longer hears

Just the doctors, counselors and my voice is all she hears

 

 

 

Love Myself

When you said you no longer wanted me,

I found my purpose

I knew my worth

I could do better

Thank you for that

I never needed your validation

I simply needed to love myself

Naive

I fought for you and you were to never be mine

How cruel it was to know this all along and not tell me

You knew the ending as soon as it began

I was a naive woman to think we could really be anything more than friends

Fire and Gasoline

How beautiful and frightening it is at the same time to fall in love

It’s like fire and gasoline

An explosion so intense

Ignited deep down into your very soul you think didn’t quite exist

Yet it could be the light to save you or a fire simply to burn you

 

 

Late Night Thoughts

It is hard to just shut off feelings when all you have ever been told is to follow your heart

You left

Therefore, my heart went with you

 

Note to Future Self

When I lost myself

When I felt like complete ruin

When I felt I could not go on any longer

When it came to wanting to take my own life

I closed my eyes

I felt a flame within

It took all I had to keep going

But I did

Here I am; Years later

I still stand

Transformed completely

Scars remain

They are felt deep within my soul

The struggle I had to make

To save myself

Now I make sure to never forget

How far I have come

Depression does not win

I do

Old Soul Affliction

How dreadful and calming it is at the same time to know I have an old soul

I do not relate to those around me for I have the wisdom of generations long gone

I love with all I have and have endured great heartache to save those around me

Quite a tragedy to feel so alone but my purpose is far greater than the happiness I have

yet to know

 

Beautiful Stop

How beautiful a stop it was

Even for just a little while

I got to meet you — a loving heart and oh so kind

I’m going to truly miss you and all the things you do

My heart breaks as I write this — but I remember

How beautiful a stop it was

Even just for a little while

Strangers

I give everything I have to each new lover

In return, I am left nothing but scars

Familiar faces become strangers in the same places

As time passes, my heart becomes colder

Until there is not much left of me

I am just distant, numb and older